It has been far too long since I’ve graced my blog with my presence.
You, my esteemed followers, were probably wondering what had happened to me. In a few words, I was amidst my very own love drama.
Permit me a bit of your time to catch you up on the happenstances, which, I hope, will ultimately explain where I’d gone off to.
Back in January I met someone. We will call him N.
He was fire and ice. All consuming. He was, in a word, everything.
A dream come true. Handsome—as fine as aged wine. A smile that could kill a man dead. A body like a Greek God, and a sense of humor that would make even the most unimaginative person crack a smile. Long, jet-black hair. He smelled of sandalwood and pheromones. Intelligence that shined like the sun.
Everything, I tell you. A fashion model incarnate. The beauty of it all was that he was not a made up character. He was real. An actual person, and, as unbelievable as it was, N was into me. Modest, humble, introverted me. I was shocked, truth be told. Utterly shocked that this God-of-a-man was attracted to me of all people.
Needless to say, I fell.
I plummeted head first into the ravenous pits of love. Or hell, whatever you prefer to call it.
Honestly, I had never been in love before. I had been in lust far too many times to count. But love, no. Not ever. This was my first time. N embodied perfection, and in his mind, I too was perfect. It started off so quickly—a marathon of seduction and wantonness. I was in a whirlwind and N was the eye of the storm. He rocked me to the core and I was content to let it transpire as long as I knew that N was the reward.
Suffice it to say that for the first time in my life, I lost myself willingly. This raven-haired vixen was, in no time at all, the navel of my universe. And, the icing on the cake was the coition. He lacked in nothing. I was powerless against his wiles, and it mattered not.
In retrospect, I find myself considering; how can one lose oneself so completely that things which would normally matter are no longer processed by rationale. All things become acceptable so long as love is the ultimate bounty.
At first it had always been hard to find time to spend together as both N and I were hard working individuals who had little time to spare, but we made the time nonetheless. When we were together the world fell off to the sides and it was just us. The first few months were phenomenal. Perfection. Nothing could be better. I knew one thing, and that was that I wanted N and no one else. Period. He, in turn, apparently felt the same way. We had some rough patches, as all couples do, but always seemed to work our way through them. All was good.
I would be lying if I said that I knew what happened or why. All I know is that in time, time was no longer available. And, while N was always at the forefront of my mind, it felt as though I’d become his afterthought. Slowly but surely the little time we spent together became less and less until all I got from him were pictures sent to my phone and a less than convincing, “I miss you.”
It hurt because I was more than willing to make time to spend with N but the sentiment was reciprocal. Whenever I contacted him and said, “I have this and this day/time available.” his reply was, “I don’t know if I can make it.” This brushing off became routine. Whether it was intentional or unintentional, I do not know. But, what I can say for sure is that it was not enough. The scant remnants of his affection and dedication were no longer acceptable. I needed to see that N was making as much as an effort as I was, but he was not.
We had been together for six months now, two of which were questionable, to say the least. So, I talked to him about it. He gave me no response. Next thing I know, he disappeared altogether. Just, poof. Gone. I never heard from him or saw him again. It has been 3 weeks. A very long and agonizing 3 weeks. I miss him very much every day. I think of him still. I can’t let his memory go.
I wonder, does he feel the same way? Did I mean so little to him that he could just fizzle away into the stratosphere? I am, for the first time in my life, heartbroken. I’d never felt this before. I never want to feel it again. So, I’ve decided to continue to do what I do best. Direct all of my energies, thoughts and desires into my stories. My imagination has never hurt me, nor will it ever.
Now, looking back, perhaps N was a figment of my imagination.
So, if you were wondering where I had gone. I was living my life for a while, outside of the pages I write. Since that did not pan out so well, I suppose you’ll be seeing me again on a more frequent basis.
Until Soon my lovelies,